As the school year has started back up and we move away from the air-conditioner and towards fuzzy blankets, I thought I’d share what I’ve been listening to lately. I hope you all have been well in my absence. This quarter seems to be kicking my ass so far but I’m going to try to post on here as much as possible. Please enjoy 🙂
“This Song” by RAC
“Mother & Father” by Broods
“Back to You” by Selena Gomez
“What You Need” by BAYNK
“Circles” by BABE
“Poolside” by BAYNK
“Embrace” by NGHTMRE
“WANT U” by ARMNHMR
“WOW” by Tiesto
“Out of My League” by Fitz & the Tantrums (Peking Duk Remix)
“Headbang Gang” by Trampa
“Drip Too Hard” by Lil Baby
“Rap Diablo” by MRTN
“Gimme Got Shot” by YG
“Jameson” by Luke Christopher
“RENTAL” by BROCKHAMPTON
Bandaids and stitches and chewed wads of bubble gum
but nothing was enough to pull together
the gap that stretched between us.
I remember the first time I knew it wouldn’t last,
and my aggressive optimism immediately following.
I believed that if I loved you enough,
hung onto every word as if it was your last,
held you close enough-
that I would be given the results I craved so deeply.
But it was never about me,
it was always about you.
From the very beginning,
you made me feel as though I was fighting a losing battle
and your troops kept advancing.
“This won’t work.”
“I don’t feel the same way.”
“I never cared about you at all.”
“Everything was a lie.”
And for the grand finale,
“You’re crazy and I’m scared of you.”
It’s impossible to pull a person to shore
if they desperately want to drown in the shallows.
people brush past me and bump into me
everyone in a rush
everyone in a hurry
all these people with their own stories
even if i spent my entire lifetime,
it’s not possible to know them all
so we capture the ones we can
we hold them in our soft palms
we promise to be gentle
the trouble comes when we push ours into unyielding fists
we hope that one day they will want it
but that hoping drains the heart
it leaks her until she is empty
and we wonder what we have bought
with this high price
and we realize we were paying for something
that the seller never agreed to sell
so they drink the juice of your heart
and shrug and kick you out of their shop
“i never asked you to do that”
and yet they accept the payment
as you leave empty-handed
these are the days that matter
the happy moments that i hope will flash before my eyes
sitting across from you
and talking about the things i normally only think to myself
like the popularity contest of the world
the social media effects on our generation
the fear of allowing oneself to fall for someone else
these are the best days
because you remind me of myself
of the truest form of me
you saved my life all those years ago
saved my mind from rotting in a toxic wasteland
saved my eyes from swelling shut
saved my wrists from the bruising of another’s fingerprint
thank you for being you
my best friend
there is a universe inside me,
galaxies and planets waiting to be discovered.
you prepared and trained
and bought your space suit.
but when the man began counting down
you abandoned ship.
you ran from the flames and the possibility
of truly knowing me.
maybe it had nothing to do with me.
maybe you realized that on that journey
you would only see your own reflection in the window
and that was too much for you to bear.
This is something that everyone struggles with and in today’s modern age of constant comparison, it can become almost too heavy a weight to carry. This past year was really eye-opening and showed me that this is something I need to make more of an active effort to make time for. It can be easy to get swept up into everyday life and it can quickly become a habit to stop making time for yourself. In this post, I’m going to discuss some of my favorite ways of showing myself self-love.
Making time for hobbies is a great way to love yourself since these are likely the first things to be sacrificed when life gets busy. Two of my favorite hobbies are reading and photography. This summer I’ve been taking time to myself to read a little every day. This is a great use of my time since it also helps to improve my writing, so I’m really killing two birds with one stone on this one. Photography is a hobby that inspires me while also getting me out of the house. Nature always makes me feel more like myself and reminds me how small my problems are in comparison to the vast universe.
The time I spend over my bathroom sink before bed is sometimes my favorite part of the day. There have been times when I compromised on my routine because people told me it took too long and I was anxious to go hang out with them but I have since realized the true importance to taking this time for yourself. Washing your face clean after a terrible day is a therapeutic experience on a whole other level.
Therapy is something I have always been super open about talking about because I think that’s an important step towards breaking the stigma around it in order for people to feel comfortable in seeking the help they need. My therapist has helped me realize how much the people in my life have affected me and that not everything that goes wrong is my fault. She has taught me that I deserve to be treated better, that I am resilient and that it’s ok to not always be ok. Whenever I am about to make a decision I think about what she would say about it. This helps me every day because unhealthy behaviors become habits so in order to improve your mental health, you have to take a serious look at the motivations behind the choices you make.
Whether I’m laying in bed or dancing in front of my mirror, music is almost constantly playing in my room. I think it’s the best way to either relax or get hyped up. It’s also a fabulous way to get out of your own head a little bit. Every night before bed I watch this Frank Ocean Blonde tribute video that relaxes me while also reminding me of all the beauty of the world. It also reminds me of my friends and happy times in my life so that’s a plus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5WWyyYG018 (Frank Ocean Video)
I use the app HeadSpace to meditate. I have a whole other post dedicated to it (to be released soon) but I think this is also a perfect place to mention it. I take 10 minutes each night to sit in silence, being mindful of how I feel and how my day went. This is also a great thing to do if you feel a panic attack coming on or are overwhelmed with negative emotions. It clears my mind and helps me re-focus on what really matters. HeadSpace is a great tool for meditating because it teaches you tricks to help you be mindful throughout the entire day.
Raymond Carver has a unique ability to make you care, deeply, about the smallest glimpses into someone’s life. It could be the moment that a husband pushes his wife through a window or just three couples at a dinner party discussing what it really means to love someone – you will become invested. His short story collection, “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love” is the book that first made me feel that I could be a writer. They are stories with short timelines that exist as character-driven stories with deep insights into the interactions between people. Every stir of a glass or placement of a hand holds a deep significance. Carver’s amazing skills of observation are evident throughout these stories in which the intricacies of human behavior are put under a blinding spotlight. The film “Birdman” revolves around a play that is based off one of Carver’s short stories. The insanity that the main actor dissolves into throughout the film is a reflection of the underlying madness that ruminates in all of Carver’s stories. His cuts to scene versus summary are genius and give the best focus on what the characters see as important. What little action there is, gets buried in the dialogue-heavy stories to more importantly reveal the character drive behind these actions. His essay, “On Writing” is a clear insight into his thoughts behind his own writing and his value in stylistic integrity. Any fan of stories that get to the point with scape-like precision will enjoy his work.